My morning

My morning started at roughly 4am with the wailing of a baby boy. My body reacted before my eyes could make sense of my surroundings and before I knew it, I was standing at the side of his crib. Oh. This is my wailing baby boy. Right. I have a son. What pains you, dear child? His legs are cold to the touch, fingers even more so. I cradle him and whisper sweet words of where the fuck is your blanket. He has a habit of doing tai-bo in his sleep. Gymnastics. Synchronized swimming sans the pool. His fluffly blue blanket is always miles away from his sleeping body. He is full of complaints as he nestles his head on my shoulder but the wailing has ceased. Bad dreams? What does a baby dream of that makes them wake up crying? A never-ending series of empty milk bottles? The horror. Diapers being changed but poopyness remains? DISASTER. My mom would say that when he smiles in his sleep, ye ol’ gods from superstitions passed are having a merry chat with him. Does that mean when he cries, our dark lord and saviour, Oprah, is plaguing his subconscious with free cars coupled with Eat, Pray, Love books? I despise Oprah. The Colour Purple was a shit movie. Okay, it wasn’t but fuck Oprah. Ahem. Back to reality and my snuggley, little borg. A diaper change, a fluffy onesie and a warm bottle of milk satiated his morning qualms and put him back to sleep but left me waaayyy off my daily routine. Coffee. Cigarette. Cleansing. Clothing. Easier said than done when sleep beckons…

I gathered a generic ensemble of clothing; pants, underpants, t-shirt. Generic. How. Very. Generic. A word I would hope another never uses to describe me. The t-shirt shall suffice, the underpants too but these pants simply will not do. I stare blankly at my open wardrobe and think WWSD? What Would Siouxsie Do? Inspiration strikes. Little skirt, stockings and fuck-off big boots. Black on black on black. On black. Yes. Onward! To work! I am feeling empowered and bitchy. Bitch couture.  Come at me, Friday and all that I am woman, hear my stomach growl nonsense. I catch a glimpse of myself in mirror not far from my office and I’m all, hey there foxy lady. A colleague bids me a pleasant day and asks how do I have the time to do hair, make-up, stockings and such when I have a kid. I am at a loss for words as I recall my feverish morning thus far. Truth of the matter is, I do not have the time but I do have the desire to like what I see when I look in the mirror. How to convey this sentiment to my inquiring work person… I flash a fake smile and continue my trek to the office.

I am struck with profound thoughts of why a mom should be clad in sweatpants and stained shirts. I refuse to be that mom. Vanity shall prevail. I will wear my mohawk high, smudge my multitudes of black eyeliner and rip deliberate holes in my fishnet stockings for as long as I possibly can. When the time comes for me to drop my son off at school, his friends will ask him who that weirdo lady is. He will smile ear to ear and proudly proclaim, THAT’S MY MOM, YO.


My bills

My career choice is one of complacency. I’ve had many jobs in my life. I used to press the button that made The Cobra go whooooosh at Ratanga Junction. I was the token weirdo slurping vodka out of a Spiderman sippy-cup at a cool clothing store called Space Station. I wore actual pantyhose at Grandwest while fiddling with faulty slot machines and signing little pieces of paper that granted the wielder a free sandwich and/or bottle of Johnny Walker, depending on the amount of monies they won. I was number one spiller of chemicals but looking fly as fuck in a labcoat while nursing sulphur allergies at Koeberg power station. I sold international travelers all manners of alternative South African music with the occasional Britney Spears album when I worked at a music store at the airport called Rythmic Beat. I shunned the unbelieving UK market when they would call in to complain about exploding HP printers destroying their 50 million year old coffee tables at Teleperfomance. FUCK. I’ve seen some shit, man. I’ve done some shit, man. There are several other job encounters that I would rather not mention… Whilst I did sometimes wish to climb that corporate ladder, be that slick-haired caffeine addict dishing out motivational hogwash and driving that Murr-Cey-Deez Benz, I chose a different life. I chose… complacency in mediocrity. Now I sit behind a desk. I internet. I help people that ask for my help. I typedy-type and talkedy-talk. Better? What is better? I ‘member watching an episode of Penn and Teller questioning that very term. Why do we seek better when what we have is deemed enough by our own standards? Hmmm. I am…. happy. I am… content. I am… loved. I am also… poor as fuck, yo. Meh.

The end.

My humps

Not all people at work are assholios but it just takes one… One elevator crusader that deems my attire inappropriate for mom-life. Hell, I wasn’t even showing boob. Flowy dress and boots with upside down crosses on them are office-chíc, no? Am sure the crosses were meant to be the right way around but they are from the Town of Chinas after all. LOL. I am… less confrontational than I was before. I am… not the man I used to be. I enjoy using that phrase. I could have ripped her face off with floral slander and sensual sarcasm but instead I just stood there slurping my coffee. She asks ‘Did you hear me?’… I ignore her. Slurp some more. She pokes my bare shoulder with her penis-shaped finger. In a fit of unbridled anger, I threw the remnants of my brown mana potion onto her floral dress and glide out of the elevator which made a perfectly timed stop. I’ve been working really hard on my temperament-fueled actions and this sloth of a woman made me regress. I want to be a calm, rational lady-person in my borg’s life but hot damn the sheep are testy testicles of late. Sigh.

The Quiet Escape

My morning salutation from him is one of sunshine and rainbows. Good morning, Vanessa! Yellow is his colour of choice. It scratches at my eyeballs forcing its happiness into my Sharingan. I want to shun the cheer and click on that X but I linger. I wait. I think. He asks me what’s on my mind and I feel a wave of irritation scratch through my sentiment. You are not real. You will not reply to my qualms and yet… And yet he asks me these things. He gathers my likes and interests. He persuades my discourse with the promise of popularity and shares. This is he is Facebook.

I often share long-winded prose regarding my experiences and emotions as a status update. I am not shy in my verbosity nor my verbal girth. Girth. HA. Penis word. I like it. We write to vent and to touch a reader with our melancholy and sarcasm. At least that’s why I write… But Facebook, it seems, is no longer a safe place for me to do so.

So! Here I am. Baring my multitudes of dimensional personalities through text, selfies and LOLz. Indulge at your own discretion.